The cat sick on the carpet was the least of my problems that day.
The fact that I'd just stood in it, well, that was the icing on the cake of utter crapitude that had been my life for the past few weeks.
Ever since the invasion. Ever since those goddamn extraterrestrials in their goddamn plastic or whatever giant space robots/space suits/tanks had decided to land on Earth, sweet Earth, and go on a goddamn rampage.
Ever since humanity's armies had been blasted into a pulp, ever since the nukes had totally failed to take out the mothership currently parked in orbit, puking out more of the goddamn aliens in their goddamn mecha suits on a regular basis.
Ever since I ran for my life, after coming face to... well, whatever, with one of them.
I swore, lots, and wiped my feet on another bit of the carpet. Goddamn, that stank. I adjusted my backpack, went into the kitchen, hunting for food. Tins, dried stuff, Twinkies, hell, anything.
The kitchen door was ajar, and I was just pushing it open when I heard a crash inside. I jumped a mile, and flung myself against the wall, heart pounding.
"Miaow?"
Bloody hell, it was the creator of the cat sick. Lovely.
I tried to ignore it as I hunted through the cupboards for food, with limited success. It wove in between my legs, miaowing at me, hoping I'd feed it. Finally it badgered me enough, so I found a can of cat food, and fed the stupid creature.
I stuffed as much food as I could carry into my pack, and headed out the kitchen door. Just in time to hear a "haaaarrrooooommmm", and see the front door of the house explode inwards.
I dove behind the sofa, knowing that it wouldn't be enough to protect me from the alien's goddamn laser beams.
It hunched itself down to the height of a tall man, and stepped into the hall, a sickly green light sweeping through the room.
"Haaaarrroooommmm," it called.
There was no way I was getting out of there alive.
Then it stepped in the cat sick, slid, and fell over.
I couldn't help myself from sniggering.
"Haaaarrrooom!" it called, in urgency, struggling to get to its feet again, and failing.
It took me several moments to realise what I was seeing. The foot that had come into contact with the cat sick, it was...melting?
"Haaaaarrroooooommmmm!!" it called again, flailing around on the floor, blasting its guns at random.
I could hear the calls of other aliens in the distance. It sounded like they were responding to this one's distress calls.
I didn't waste any more time. I legged it out the back door, only stopping to grab the cat by the scruff of its skinny neck as I ran past.
"Congratulations, sunshine," I told it, as it hissed and scratched in my arms. "You've just been upgraded to humanity's last, best hope."
(First line donated by Nicky Edwards)
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"It was the best of times. :-) It was the worst of times. :-("
"No. Absolutely not."
"But why not? I really feel that the addition of emoticons adds gravitas and extra depth of emotion to the classic text!"
"No. No emoticons. Full stop. The end. This is Dickens, not some jumped up lolspeak promoted by cats with limited grasp of spelling! I don't even care that you're trying to appeal to the Twitter generation, who seem categorically incapable of having an attention span lasting more than 140 characters. Updating classic texts DOES NOT mean that you can add stupid textual shortcuts to tell the hard of thinking what it is they should be feeling!"
"Hmmmm..... you know, you make a fair point there."
"...what?! Really?"
"Yes, a very good point. I know what I need to do for this particular project."
"Oh God, dare I ask...?"
"One word. Emojis."
(first line donated by Rob Harper)
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There once was a man from Nantucket
who said: "You know, limericks can suck it.
They're badly done rhyme,
forced most of the time,
and as for this one, well... to hell with it is all I can say!"
(first line donated by Jennifer Marley)
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'Twas brillig and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimbal in the wabe,
All murbly were the Abinodes, and the Muckle Sneeths outweighed.
"And so you hunt the Crueltyfry? Beware its teeth, beware its claws
Becare the fiercesome harpsifree that lurkify its jaws"
She took the swand, she took the bine, she took the sinjin fair
she sat beneath a whipply tree and bimbled without care
And as she sat and as she straved, the Crueltyfry did mancely came
travanting through the squamous sea, and fimbled at her name
One two, one two, so fast, so flew, the sinjin strong went scatter-thud
She bound it tight, and with its flight, she came to Hatterwood
"Oh hast thou caught the Crueltyfry? Come to my arms, my glascious girl!"
She took one look, struck Banterhook and freed the Timblewhirl
'Twas brillig and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimbal in the wabe,
All murbly were the Abinodes, and the Muckle Sneeths outweighed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
