The train ride had smoothed out dramatically, and all the pizza had gone down Spud's throat by the time Nics arrived back in the compartment. The fresh air let in by the open window had gone a long way to banishing the garlic smell, and the compartment was habitable again.
Nics sat down next to Chas, and shook open the paper. But before she could start to read anything Spud interrupted her.
"Well," he said. "I suppose now's as good a time as any to tell you. Orders is orders."
"What are you talking about?" Chas said.
"Look, you're going to have to keep what I tell you a really big secret. It's vitally important. National security type stuff, you know. That, and the fate of the world might depend on it."
Nics rolled her eyes. She'd heard Spud's stories before, and knew of his fondness for hyperbole.
"Let me guess," said Chas flippantly. "You're a secret agent who's job it is to protect humanity form the evil conspiracies that are hatched left right and centre by cats, ducks and mice."
Spud's face fell.
"How did you figure it out?" he asked, crestfallen.
"You're not serious!" exclaimed Nics.
Spud sighed. "I'm a member of a secret worldwide group with the aim of protecting humanity form all sorts of weird shit, yes."
"God, Spud, I knew you could be delusional, but this seriously takes the biscuit," said Nics.
"It's true!" he protested, leaning forward, his eyes flashing in a way that they'd never seen before.
"Do you have any idea of the danger my work puts me into? Or any idea of how the average man on the street would react to knowing that there are vast numbers of other highly intelligent living creatures out there that have the intention of reducing the entire human race to slaves, or worse, food? Do you know how many operations have to be done to clean up the mess left behind by a suicide rabbit squad? Or a samurai cat attack? The amount of battles caused by sheep just doesn't bear thinking about!
"We're the people who hide behind the curtains, ready with explanations for the whacked-out weirdness that people pass of as coincidence, or practical jokes. Hell, the number of times we've had to magically retro-fit publicity stunts to cover for things pulled by other groups is just staggering!
"Remember the ads for the Godzilla film? The ones where the crushed cars were left on street corners with signs saying 'Beware of Godzilla'? That was us, and believe you me, the elephants were not happy!
"We're the people who make sure that your average Joe in the street or duck in the pond doesn't freak out about the fact that they're not the only intelligent species on the face of the planet. You know how people freak at the prospect of extra-terrestrial intelligent life? Imagine that, but magnify it by an order of magnitude, and then you'll get some idea of the sheer panic that would sweep the streets if we weren't around to keep order!
"We're humanity's last best hope for keeping the species alive. And we do it all in secret, so no one has to know, and no one has to worry."
He sat back in his seat, rant over, though he still looked a bit annoyed.
Chas said: "So, you're sort of like the men in black, huh?"
Spud snorted, and grinned, looking more like his usual dappy self.
"Pah! The men in black are wimps. Everyone knows who they are."
"So, the ducks really are trying to take over the world," said Nics, shooting an "I told you so, didn't I" look at Chas.
"Sort of," said Spud. "Actually, we've got an nice little alliance with the ducks. And the dogs. Neither of them like the cats, see? And take it from me, they've good reason to - vicious bastards those cats are."
"Alright," said Nics. "Assume we believe you. What has all this got to do with us."
"Well," said Spud. "Boss says that you've got something important, and it needs to be kept safe until someone trustworthy from the Agency can come and get it. And me being here with you, all my other jobs have been reassigned so I can keep an eye on you."
Chas had a thought.
"Spud, you've been in this compartment for the past hour and a bit, and you were as surprised as hell to see us. How did your boss get in touch with you to tell you all of that?"
"It was the pizza..." Spud confessed. "Messages always get delivered to me by pizza. Or banana. Or both."
Suddenly a lot of things dropped into place in Chas and Nics' minds.
"That explains a lot," said Nics.
"Alright, Mr Conspiracy Expert Guy," challenged Chas. "If you know the truth behind all these conspiracies, then just tell me one thing. Who abducted Elvis?"
"No one did," Spud said simply. "He just went back to his flock."
"Elvis was a bird?!" said Chas.
"Yup," confirmed Spud. "He was a duck. A very successful experiment they ran for a while, before cancelling it because a cat was about play canary and spill the whole story to the press. Why else do you think his hairstyle had a duck's tail?"
"Wow," said Chas. "But how come people keep seeing him in bizarre places?"
"Oh, that's the cows doing, that is. They've got a twisted sense of humour they do. If you ever spot a UFO, look around very carefully. Because as sure as bananas are curved, there'll be a cow nearby looking innocent with a piece of string in its mouth. Why do you think so many sightings occur in the middle of nowhere in America? The cows have got bored, that's why."
There was a brief lull in the conversation, while Chas considered the logistics of cows faking UFO sightings. The conductor came around and checked everyone's tickets, followed closely by the tea trolley.
Nics ordered a herbal tea and drank it very slowly. When all the visitors had left the compartment she turned to Spud.
"Can you tell us any more about the locket now?" she asked.
"Just that Grandmother was an agent with the Agency during the war. I've no idea about the locket or how it got to be lost, but I'm sure the person sent to collect it will be able to tell us a bit more. I think..." Spud trailed off uncertainly.
Chas stared out the window at the cows in the fields that the train was travelling through, as if daring them to fake a UFO sighting there and then in front of him.
The train chugged on through the countryside. Up in a hidden corner of the luggage rack a duck settled its feathers a bit more comfortably and twiddled with its transmitting spy camera.
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