Thursday, 4 August 2011

SAOS: Chapter Twenty Six (what, another one?): In Which Even More Of The Gory Truth Is Revealed (With Apologies to Messers. Gilbert And Sullivan)

       "You do of course realise," said Mr Cuckoo to his captives, "that I’ve heard everything you've said and planned here?"

      He looked at the three of them, still trapped inside the circle of clockwork dragons. Spud's face fell.

      "And,” Mr Cuckoo continued, “for a group of secret agents whose job it is to stop me from destroying all life on Earth, you're doing a pretty poor job of it."

      "Go ahead," said Spud, "rub it in. I never was any good at that job anyway."

      Chas just grinned at Mr Cuckoo with a look of I-know-something-you-don't-know in his eyes.

      "I'll make you a deal," Chas told Mr Cuckoo. "I'll hand over the second disk, and you can install it in Snow White up there," he waved one hand at the young man in glass, up on the wall.

"You can use him for all your tests on free will and crap like that, so you won't need us. All you have to do take your control collar off Nics, and let her, me and Spud go, and the disk is your, no hassle, no fuss."

      "And why would I do that?" asked Mr Cuckoo pleasantly. "Seeing as I could just kill you and take it from your dead body?"

      "Because it wouldn't be nearly enough fun for you," Chas told him. "Why give us a quick and easy death, when I'm sure that the death you have planned for every living creature on Earth is far more painful? You're far too interesting for that."

      Mr Cuckoo smiled unpleasantly, as behind him the infernal machine spoke.

      "There is one hour and thirty minutes left before activation and the end of all life on Earth. Have a nice day."

      "Maybe you're right," he said, metal fingers reaching up to caress the battered silver locket that he wore on a golden watch chain attached to his waistcoat. "But maybe you're not."

      Spud saw a flash of electric blue from behind one of the machines in the lab. He turned to Nics and whispered:

      "Did you see that?"

      "A man in a bright blue zoot suit carrying a double bass?" she whispered back. Spud nodded. "Oh yes, I saw."

      "Please God," said Spud, eyes up to heaven, "not another musical number..."

      "But, you weren't in the lab for them..." Nics asked, slightly confused.

      "No, but I was interrogated by Mr Cuckoo - in the style of a country and western song." Spud shuddered at the memory. "It was not pleasant."

      Mr Cuckoo clapped his hands, and a clockwork dragon scuttled out from a corner. It climbed up the wall like a cockroach, and hit a very small button at normal light switch level.

      Huge screens suddenly unfurled themselves on either side of the young man in the glass coffin, coming alive with images, jump cutting from one scene to another to another.

      There was a field with kids playing football in, a busy city centre with people doing shopping, and office full of workers, a school, factories, car parks, more offices, more and more people, from all walks of life, doing everything that people do.

      Mr Cuckoo watched the pictures, a look of excitement on his face.

      "Have you never wondered," he asked his captives, "why the birth rate is falling so dramatically now-a-days, but yet there seem to be more people than ever?"

      Chas shook his head, face grim.

      "That's all because of me," said Mr Cuckoo, affecting a false modesty. "I do so hate to brag, but all those extra people... I made them. Each and every last one of them. They're out there, in shops and offices and factories and schools, all working away happily. But they're really just waiting. Waiting for my signal. And when they hear it, they're all going to rise up and kill every non-clockwork thing on the face of the planet. It's going to be carnage."

      He grinned toothily.

      "And with these screens, which are hooked up to CCTV cameras all over the world, I can see if happening."

      Nics gasped. "That's- that's monstrous, horrible! You won't even give them a quick death!"

      Chas hugged her tighter. She looked directly at him and asked a single question as the hidden orchestra started to play.

      "Why?"

      "I'm so glad you asked me that, my dear," Mr Cuckoo answered, then began to sing.

      "When I was a lad I started off
      as apprentice in a jeweller's shop
      I polished the rings and cleaned the locks
      and got rather good at fixing clocks
      But the boss didn't give me any recognition
      So now I am bent on world domination."

      The clockwork dragons took up the chorus in a metallic monotone:

      "But the boss didn't give him any recognition
      So now he is bent on world domination."

      Spud winced in agony, and put his head in his hands.

      "Please," he whimpered. "Make it stop..."

      Mr Cuckoo continued with his gory tale:

      "So then I grew up and I got my own shop
      with lots of workspace and a damn good lock
      I had a partner who I liked a lot
      who was also very good at making clocks
      But the ladies gave him all the admiration
      So now I am bent on world domination"

      The dragons lined themselves up in a row and started dancing a merry hornpipe.

      "But the ladies didn't give him any admiration
      So now he is bent on world domination"

      "My partner decided to make a clockwork man
      I agreed and I gave him a hand
      we could've used our talent to rule the land
      instead he went off and wrecked our plan
      As he didn't help with my innovation
      So now I am bent on world domination!"

      "As he didn't help with my innovation
      So now I am bent on world domination!"

      The dragons did a happy dance, and the music ended. Spud was still whimpering.

      "From 'HMS Pinafore', am I right?" asked Nics.

      Mr Cuckoo scowled at her, angry now.

      "If Gilbert and Sullivan had ghosts, they'd be haunting you right about now for mangling their song!" Nics prodded him.

      "All the more reason to wipe the scum of human existence off the face of the planet!!" Mr Cuckoo exploded.

      Nics quailed, and Chas went for the jugular.

      "So, everyone snubbed you when you were growing up. Even your partner got cold feet when he heard of your plans to take over the world. So you decide to eliminate everything you haven't created, simply so you don't have to listen to anyone ever tell you that you're wrong?"

      Mr Cuckoo's face turned a lovely bright purple.

      "Jeremiah Grandfather was an idiot!" he hissed in a fury. "He didn't see what was right in front of his face. We could have had the world, just the two of us, forever! But he had to go off with some woman, when no woman had ever looked twice at me! And when I told him what we could do together, what we had done together, he developed a bloody conscience and ran!!"

      "So," said Chas quietly. "You killed him."

      "He deserved it!!" screamed Mr Cuckoo. "He deserved it for abandoning me! For throwing away the plan that we'd worked so hard at!! For running off with some woman!!!"

      Turning to one of the workbenches, he picked it up with one metal hand and threw it across the room. It bounced off a wall, glass shattering and unidentified coloured liquids going everywhere.

      He stormed around for several minutes, breaking everything in his path, including one of his precious golden clockwork dragons. That seemed to shock him to his senses though, or perhaps just take him from a fiery rage to an icy one. Bearing the broken body of the dragon in one hand he left the laboratory in silence.

      No sooner had the door shut behind him than Jeremy stepped out from behind one of the machines. He had been crying.

      Chas just looked at him, steadily, waiting.

No comments:

Post a Comment