(Vegetables) Chapter Forty Five: Pets Reunited

Fortunately, the chicken carrier was still in the back of Morwen’s car, allowing the guinea pig to be safely incarcerated and guarded by Felindre, Pinky and Purple, while Morwen and Rosa woman-handled the chicken hutch and occupants onto the roof rack, and the Mrs K human suit into the back seat.

Morwen phoned Richard again. It went to voicemail.

“Um, hi Richard. It’s Morwen. Just to let you know, we’re all ok. We got out of the giant pitcher plants and foiled Mrs K’s evil plans. She turned out to be an evil guinea pig, named Snuffles, in a human suit, but she’s trapped in the chicken carrier. The chickens are here too – was it you who hacked their hutch so it can fly? Um, anyway, the pigeons have been seen off, and the rabbits paid off, so Operation Control All the Veg is off too, I think. Though we had a spill, so Arma-Veg-On may still be happening. I don’t know. Um. Look, it’s all a bit complicated. Call me?”

First stop was Morwen and Rosa’s house, where with much swearing and at least two stubbed toes, the chicken hutch/plane was safely installed in the back garden again.

“I don’t know why they couldn’t just fly it back home again,” grumbled Rosa, as she rubbed her sore foot.

Her mobile phone bipped. She looked at the message and scowled.

“How’s that for timing?” she said, scowling, and showed Morwen the message. It was a horoscope, and it simply said:

“Don’t go hunting greengrocer’s. Carnivorous plants often offend.”

“Bloody useless things,” muttered Rosa, as she stabbed the delete button, hard.

Morwen rang Richard again, with the same results as before. She was looking worried. She didn’t leave a message this time.

The second stop was Megan’s house. By this stage it was thirty one minutes past ten, but the lights were still on downstairs, and two black bananas were lying on the roof of the porch. Three women, two pink and purple rabbits and a guinea pig in a carrier went up to the front door. The Mrs K suit was left in the back seat of the car, seatbelt securely fastened.

“She’s kinda creepy, just sitting there like that,” said Rosa, looking back at the car. “Maybe I should close her eyes. Maybe we should leave the window cracked. Or lay her down with a blanket over her. Or…”

“Who’s going to notice a little old lady sitting in a car outside a house? Or if they do, it’s fairly obvious that she’s a mannequin, once you get close enough,” pointed out Felindre. “I don’t think anyone’s going to be breaking any windows to give her some air either.”

“We could put her in the boot,” suggested Rosa. Then she thought for a moment, when no one else said anything. “Actually, forget I said that. Stuffing what looks like a body into the boot of a car would be far more suspicious.”

Morwen rang the bell, and smiled at Megan’s face peering out the window. Megan opened the door and squealed with delight when she saw the guinea pig.

“You’ve found her! You’ve found Snuffles! Thank you thank you thank you!”

“Can we come in?” asked Morwen. “There’s something about Snuffles that you really need to know.”

Twenty six minutes later, Megan said:

“So Granny wasn’t really Granny, she was Snuffles in a Granny-shaped mechanical suit? And it was Snuffles who came up with the plan to control all the veg and make me make all that nasty CS4? And it was Snuffles who kept yelling at me and being really horrible? And who tried to kill you?”

The three women nodded, and Megan glared at the guinea pig, who was still behind bars, looking glum.

“I don’t like you anymore,” she told Snuffles. “I think you should go to prison.”

Pinky and Purple hopped up onto the sofa next to Megan and she cuddled them.

“I don’t know if there are prisons for evil genius pets,” said Morwen. “But we know someone who might be able to help. If he ever answers his blasted phone.”

“Just one question?” asked Megan. “If Granny hasn’t really been Granny, but instead has been Snuffles in a Granny-suit for the past few weeks, then where’s the real Granny?”

“That is a very good question,” replied Morwen. “And one we’re going to answer. Once we’ve contacted your parents and got someone to look after you until they get home.”

“But I can help you find Granny!” protested Megan.

“How are you going to do that then?” asked Felindre.

“Um,” said Megan, thinking hard. “I can do a spell!”

The three grown-ups exchanged looks.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, really,” said Rosa gently.

“It’s late,” said Morwen. “There’s not much we can do about finding your real Granny tonight. But we will need to phone your parents and get them to come home as soon as possible.”

“Can’t,” said Megan. “Well, you can phone Mum, but she’s on the oil rig and the helicopter only goes out there once a week. Even if you said it was an emergency, it’d still take a couple of days for her to get here.”

“How about your dad then?” asked Rosa.

“Dad’s closer,” admitted Megan. “But what are you going to tell him?”

Everyone was quiet for a good forty six seconds.

“Um, yeah,” said Rosa. “It’s not like we can tell him that his ten year old daughter had been bossed about by a guinea pig in a human suit for the past few weeks.”

“And if he finds out the real Granny is missing, he’ll go mental and call the police,” said Megan.

“And that’ll cause no end of problems with explaining the situation,” sighed Morwen. “Assuming they even believe us in the first place.”

“We could tell him that she had to go to hospital?” suggested Rosa. “I’m sure Fel can suggest a suitably serious, yet not too life threatening illness.”

“He’ll want to know which hospital,” said Megan. “And he’ll want to visit.”

“Can’t argue with that logic,” said Felindre. “And it’s not like social services are an option either – that’d be another whole world of crazy explanation. The Agency?”

“I think they have their own problems at the moment,” said Morwen. “Otherwise Richard would have phoned me back by now.”

“I’ll be ok on my own,” offered Megan, with a bit of a quaver in her voice. “I have my bunnies. I got left alone by Gran-Snuffles quite a lot over the past few weeks.”

The three grown-ups exchanged looks.

“I’ll stay with you and the bunnies, if that’s ok with you Megan,” said Rosa.

Megan nodded.

“And I’ll stay too, to keep an eye on Snuffles,” said Felindre. “We don’t want her escaping.”

“It sounds like we have a plan,” said Morwen.

“Yay! Sleepover!” said Rosa. “Anyone got any popcorn?”