(Vegetables) Chapter Thirty Five: In Which Recipes Are Followed To The Letter, And Mysteriously Fail To Work As Anticipated

Stewart, the bald cameraman, picked up a spoon and dipped it in the chilli.

“What’s the recipe supposed to do again?” Rosa whispered to Morwen.

“Promotes the healthy growth of hair,” replied Horace, not looking at her. Instead he was watching Stewart intently.

Morwen started edging for the kitchen door, but the soundman/not-policeman/evil henchman Dave blocked her exit.

“Don’t even think about it,” he warned her, as she sized him up. From his back pocket he produced a gun and pointed it at her.

Rosa gasped at the sight of the gun, and Horace turned around to glare at Dave.

“I thought I had impressed on you our need to be subtle!” he snapped, and then sighed. “Nevermind now. It will either have worked, or it won’t.”

Stewart took a large slurp of the chilli and turned an interesting shade of red⁹⁶.

“Hot!” he gasped.

Everyone turned to stare at him, waiting for something to happen. Long moments passed while Stewart broke a sweat, and turned some more interesting colours. But his bald head remained resolutely bald.

“Try is again,” ordered Horace.

Stewart had eaten pretty much the entire pan of chilli before Horace admitted defeat.

“So much for that,” he said, after Stewart had finished sweating and gasping and had given up. “Lads, pack the stuff. Time to report back and tell Mrs K she’ll have to come up with a new plan.”

Morwen and Rose exchanged glances hopefully. Dave lowered his gun.

Then Stewart sneezed explosively, and a vast amount of hair sprouted from his nose.

“Wait!” yelled Horace. “Lads, we’re back on plan. Let’s go.”

Horace pulled his own gun out of his briefcase.

“Please do forgive me, ladies,” he said in his smooth and oily tv-presenter’s voice. “But we’re going to have to take you somewhere else now, for your own safety of course.”

“What if we refuse?” said Morwen calmly.

“Dave, go shoot the chickens,” Horace ordered.

“With pleasure!” said Dave gleefully. “Horrible nasty birds!”

“Wait!” yelled Rosa, nearly in tears. “We’ll cooperate!”

Grimly Morwen nodded in agreement.

“Very well,” said Horace, picking up the Art and Science of Fruit and Vegetable’s. “Ladies, if you’d please go this way…”

He gesticulated with the gun to shepherd them out the front door and into a white van parked nearby. Dave and Stewart performed their henchmanly duties by scanning the street for observers before they all emerged from the house.

They were back in a minute to collect the camera and sound equipment.

“Well, it sort of worked,” observed Dave.

Stewart stroked his long and luxurious nose hair.

“It tickles,” he replied. “Still, progress, of a sort. More than anyone else has been able to achieve at any road.”

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⁹⁶ Humans do seem to have a wide range of colours they can turn.