(Vegetables) Chapter Forty Three: A Short Botany Lesson

The inside of the pitcher plant was smelly, sticky and unpleasant. There was enough room to stand up, but no chance of climbing out. The bottom of the pitcher was filled with water, up to about ankle height.

The sounds from outside the pitcher died away as the grocers all left. Finally everything went dark as the final person out turned off the lights, leaving only a faint glow from the streetlights outside coming in through the high windows.

“Mor, Fel, are you still there?” called Rosa. “Are you ok?”

“Yes,” replied Felindre. “Morwen?”

“I’m ok too,” Morwen replied.

“My feet are itching,” said Rosa. She sounded worried. “Does that mean I’m being digested? How long will it take? How much will it hurt?!”

“It’s ok, flower,” called Morwen. “These look like normal pitcher plants to me, just somewhat larger than usual. Standard size pitcher plants take a couple of weeks to fully digest their prey. Given the relative sizes of us, it could take months.

“In fact,” she continued, “the grocers missed a trick when they put us in here. Most pitcher plants kill their prey by drowning them in the fluid at the bottom of the pitcher before they digest them. If they really wanted to kill us, they should have put us in head first.”

“Well, hurrah for incompetence,” said Felindre, short of breath. There was muffled thumps coming from her pitcher.

Morwen shifted from one foot to another, making splashy sounds, and causing the pitcher to rock alarmingly.

“They’re really neglecting this plant,” she said. “Definitely under-watering it. And I’ll bet it doesn’t have enough soil around its roots. It’s amazing it has the energy to grow pitchers this big at all. Poor thing.”

“That’s all well and good,” called Rosa, sounding a bit panicked. “But do you have any ideas on how to get out? I’ve tried climbing, and I can’t. And my feet are getting really itchy now!”

“Sissy, have you called the cavalry?” asked Morwen.

“Way ahead of you,” said Sissy. “They were listening in on your enlightening conversation with Mrs K just now. I even texted Richard the address. They should be here any minute¹²⁹.”

“I hope they get here soon!” wailed Rosa. “I’m convinced my tights are starting to melt. Or maybe it’s my feet!”

“Well,” grunted Felindre, as she thumped on the wall of the pitcher plant again. “I’m” thump “not” thump “going” thump “to” thump “wait” thump “for them” thump “gotcha.”

There was a wet, squidgy tearing sound, a wet splashing sound and a louder thud.

“I’m out,” said Felindre.

There was another series of thuds ad grunts, followed by the same squishy tearing and spilling sound.

“Eeew,” said Rosa. “I’m covered in plant dribble.”

Morwen’s pitcher rocked as it was hit repeatedly from the outside. After a few hits, Morwen could see the glint of the point of a metal stick poking from the outside. After few more hits, perforating the pitcher, Felindre’s hands reached in and tore a large rip in the side of the plant, spilling the pitcher’s digestive juices, and Morwen, out onto the floor.

“Sorry about damaging the plant,” Felindre said as she helped Morwen up.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Morwen. “Pitchers fall off the plants all the time. They’re used to it. And all things considered, I’m happy to be out. How did you get out?”

Felindre opened her hand to show a particularly slimy metal spike.

“My hair stick,” she explained. “They didn’t even think to search us for weapons. Bloody amateurs.”

The door to the hall creaked open, and Pinky and Purple hopped in, dragging a chainsaw between them. When they saw the humans staring at them, they hopped a few steps away and tried to look innocent.

“Thanks for the effort,” said Rosa kindly. “But we’re sorted now.”

“See,” she whispered to her friends. “They didn’t abandon us after all.”

Felindre looked dubious.

“The chainsaw’s bigger than you are, and you haven’t got opposable thumbs. How exactly were you going to use it?”

Pinky and Purple exchanged glances and twitched their ears at each other. Then Pinky wrapped both paws around the chainsaw handle, while Purple grabbed the pull cord that started the engine, and gave it a good yank.

The chainsaw started up with a cough, and started vibrating across the floor, taking Pinky with it, clinging on for dear life.

“Let go!” Morwen yelled at Pinky, who was now a prize candidate for Shaken Bunny Syndrome.

In the minute or so before a shocked Pinky recovered enough to let go, the chainsaw traced a meandering route across the floor, taking large chunks out of the floorboards, before quickly coming to rest having wedged itself under the dais.

Rosa ran over and started fussing over the dizzy rabbit.

“There, there,” she said, stroking the pink and purple fur. “No harm done.”

Purple lolloped over quickly, and insisted on her share of the cuddles.

“No harm done indeed,” muttered Felindre, scanning the room. “I just hope no one heard the racket!”

Sure enough, at near enough that exact moment¹³⁰, the sound of footsteps could be heard coming towards the main hall. Felindre was off like a shot, flattening herself against the wall close to the door, making her ideally placed to flatten whoever it was who walked through it.

It happened to be Stewart. He had a moment to take in the scene – ripped apart pitchers and Rosa cuddling a pair of rabbits, and to say:

“Wha…?”

But that was all before Felindre felled him with a vicious chop to the back of the neck and he fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“Don’t worry,” she said, looking down at him. “He’ll come to in a little while.”

“Who’s worrying?” asked Rosa. “Do we look worried?” she asked the rabbits.

“Best tie him up,” continued Felindre. “Rosa, I’ll need your tights.”

“But Fel!” whined Rosa. “My legs will get cold! And these tights are expensive!”

“Come on, it’s not like they aren’t already ruined. I’ll make it up to you later,” Felindre promised.

They flirted like this all the while they tied Stewart up with Rosa’s tights¹³¹, leaving him gagged with his own sock, while Morwen and the bunnies acted as look outs. Leaving him safely trussed up, all five creatures crept out of the hall, and down the corridor to the kitchen.

This time, there was no one there making coffee, and all the lights were out. The kitchen had a window that looked out on the back yard. Carefully, one by one, the humans and the rabbits crept across the floor, and peered over the countertop, out of the window¹³².

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¹²⁹ Spoiler alert: they weren’t.
¹³⁰ Well, seven point three seconds later, if you’re being precise

¹³¹ Honestly, I couldn’t bear to listen.
¹³² Rosa held both rabbits up so they could look, after Purple nibbled at her toes in a pointed way.