(Vegetables) Chapter Fourteen: Little Old Ladies Really Shouldn’t Be That Scary!

“Excuse me, young lady!” called a voice as Morwen was leaving the park buildings to go home that evening. She turned to look, and saw the little old lady with a cane who’d crashed into her in the bookshop a few days earlier.

A flock of pigeons, disturbed by the shout, took off.

“Excuse me,” the little old lady said again. “But I was wondering, was it you who bought the last copy of The Art and Science of Fruit and Vegetable’s?”

“What if I did?” said Morwen, a bit unnerved.

There was something about this little old lady that just seemed a bit off. When you considered the nearly-knocking-over incident, and the yelling-at-shop-assistants incident, it’s not really all that surprising that Morwen was looking at her a bit suspiciously.

The little old lady smiled, in what she obviously hoped was a friendly way. It looked a bit fake, and kind of freaky. Almost like the sort of smile psychopaths practice in the mirror to look more human, which never works.

“Well, if you did,” she said, “I’d be very happy if I could buy it off you, for twenty pounds, say. What do you think?”

“That’s a very generous offer, but I quite like the book, so I’m going to keep it.”

“Fifty pounds. It’s really quite important to me. I had a copy, you see, and it got destroyed and I’ve been looking everywhere for another one.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Morwen politely, “but no, I’m not going to sell it.”

“A hundred pounds. I really want that book.” The little old lady was getting more emphatic and intense⁴⁰ with each word.

Morwen looked around. The street was unusually empty, and the little old lady was starting to get a bit too close. Morwen didn’t like the way she was holding that cane either, brandishing the silver cucumber handle in front of her face.

“It’s not for sale,” Morwen snapped.

The little old lady leaned closer and licked her lips. Somehow she no longer seemed like a harmless, if annoying, little old lady. Instead there was an aura of menace clinging to her, along with the faint smell of lavender⁴¹.

“One thousand pounds, and believe me, you’d be a smart girl to take this final offer. Who knows what can happen, eh? Not safe in our beds are we?”

“It is not for sale,” said Morwen through gritted teeth, “and I don’t appreciate being threatened like this.”

“Morwen!” came a shout from behind the little old lady. It was Hello-my-name-is-Tom, who waved. He looked a bit out of breath, like he’d been running.

The little old lady turned, saw him, and backed off a little bit.

“Threatening?” she tittered in a way that was as fake as her smile. “Dearie me, nothing of the sort. You take care now, dearie. And don’t you forget my offer. One hundred pounds, still stands.”

And with that, the little old lady hobbled off down the street, past Tom. Morwen could have sworn that she deliberately stuck her cane out to trip Tom up as she passed him. Tom was watching her carefully, and adroitly jumped over the cane.

“You ok? I came as fast as I could,” he said, as he got to Morwen.

“Yeah,” she said. “What do you mean, came as fast as you could?”

“You texted me,” said Tom.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Look,” said Tom, fishing his mobile out of his pocket and pressing a few buttons to show her a text. It said: “Come quick” and gave the address of where they were standing.

“I definitely didn’t send that,” said Morwen. She pulled her phone out of her bag, and looked at it.

“Sissy?”

“Yes, Morwen?” replied Sissy.

“Did you text Tom just now?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Sissy, did you text Tom a few minutes ago?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Sissy, stop messing about.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”

Morwen sighed and put her phone away.

“Technology, eh? Never mind how you got here. I’m glad you did. That is one scary lady. Thanks.”

“You’re telling me,” he replied. “What is with that stick of hers?”

“Yeah – is it really a cucumber she’s got as a handle?”

“Looks like to me. And think nothing of it, I still owe you one for picking me out of the middle of a brass band.”

“How’s the eyes?”

“Much better thanks. Which way are you heading?”

“Home,” said Morwen, waving a hand in the right general direction.

“Looks like we’re going the same way,” said Tom. “Think your boyfriend will mind if I walk with you a way?”

“If he does,” said Morwen grimly, “there will be words.”⁴²

Companionably they walked away from the park, passing by a lamppost to which a poster had been stuck. It said “Have you seen my guinea pig?” underneath a blurry photo of a small rodent, and gave a phone number.

A duck, sitting on a wide brick wall, watched them go, and then took off for parts unknown.

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⁴⁰ and to be honest, scary
⁴¹ And something else? Sunflower seeds?
⁴² Not all of them polite, by the tone of her voice.