(Vegetables) Chapter Sixteen: Why It’s Always Vital To Read The Small Print

“Just what’s so special about this book anyway?” asked Felindre as she idly flicked through the pages. “Lots of pictures of fruit and veg, some instructions on how to grow them, and a pile of recipes, most of which look pretty old-fashioned to me. And the title’s got a grocer’s apostrophe in it. Actually, most of the recipes have grocer’s apostrophes in.”

“Probably why it was in the remainders store,” said Morwen, hands wrapped around a huge mug of tea. “A stupidly large number of people seem to want to get their hands on it though.”

“Thankfully they all seem a bit rubbish,” remarked Rosa, eating a biscuit.

“Yeah,” said Felindre. “It’s a shame you didn’t get the name of that policeman. I’d take great pleasure in re-educating him in the finer points of property law and the receipt of stolen goods.”⁴⁶

She looked fierce. Rosa smiled indulgently.

“Ah, there’s my fierce pedant,” she cooed.

“Shut up,” said Felindre, smiling.

Something had caught Morwen’s eye, and she pulled the book towards her. Underneath the title of each recipe was a faint line of grey text in italics. She flicked through the book until she found the recipe for leek, potato, root vegetable and ginger casserole.

“Look at this,” she said, and read out the recipe sub-title: “For provoking a temper.”

“And this;” she flicked to the page for carrot and orange fairy cakes.

“For weakening the will.”

“And this;” at the chocolate and beetroot cake.

“For encouraging loving feelings.”

The three girls stared at the page for a few minutes.

“Holy crap,” said Rosa. “It’s a book of magic recipes!”

“Don’t be daft,” said Felindre. “It’s a vegetable cookbook, with three recipes for cabbage surprise.”

“Three?” said Rosa, turning the pages.

“Yes,” said Felindre. “One recipe is for, um,” she scanned it quickly, “bubble and squeak, basically. Another is an entire dish made of cabbage.”

“That’s not much of a surprise,” said Morwen.

“I suppose the surprise is that it’s all cabbage,” replied Felindre.

“What’s the third recipe?” asked Rosa.

Felindre flicked though a few more pages.

“Chilli con carne,” she replied. “Strange, for a vegetable cookbook, but hardly magical.”

“No,” said Morwen. “Don’t you see, it makes sense. The leek, root veg, potato and ginger casserole – remember, everyone got all cross after just a taste.”

“That’s because it was horrible,” muttered Felindre.

Morwen pointedly ignored her.

“And the carrot and orange fairy cakes. Rosa, you were telling everyone who had one to buy more copies of the paper. And they did! And they listened to you, even in the middle of a food fight when you told them to stop. And when you yelled ‘run’ everyone did!”

A thought struck her, and her face fell.

“Oh bugger,” said Morwen.

“What?” asked Rosa, looking worried.

“I think I might have accidentally love potioned Richard with the chocolate and beetroot cake.”

“Nevermind,” said Felindre casually. “From the sounds coming out of your bedroom recently, he’s not complaining.”⁴⁷

Rosa burst put in giggles, and Morwen threw a biscuit⁴⁸ at Felindre, who dodged.

Rosa stopped giggling and looked thoughtful.

“I’ll bet we could make a menu from this book that’d win us Feasts with Friends,” she said.

Morwen and Felindre looked at each other in horror.

“Oh God, no!” said Felindre.

“But...” said Rosa.

“No,” said Morwen firmly. “And if you even think about putting our names in, I’ll make you live on your own cooking for a month.”

“Oh, alright,” said Rosa sulkily. “Still think it’s a good idea though...”

She trailed off, seeing the look on the other’s faces.

“More tea anyone?” she said brightly. “Or some more biscuits? I’ve got some fig rolls somewhere…”

___

⁴⁶ Felindre, as well as being a double bass playing, marital arts studying astrophysicist had a side obsession with the finer points of the law, to wit, what was legal when it came to certain… er… situations.
⁴⁷ As before, bleurgh.
⁴⁸ A rubbish one, not one of the chocolate ones. She does have principles.